Let’s talk about compassion. Compassion is a positive thing, right? It usually makes you feel good about yourself because it’s all about kindness and caring for another person. But, how much compassion can one person give away and still stay strong, happy, and healthy? And what is compassion really? To me compassion is an understanding of what a person is feeling and what that person has been through or is currently going through in his or her life, and then throw in a dash of “How can I help you?”. But there lies the rub. How much is a dash so that in caring and helping, a person still maintains healthy boundaries so that one can honor one’s own life, one’s own needs and wants? And if you are in a profession where you need to utilize compassion with several people every day, then how do you take all that in and at the end of the day leave it in an office drawer so you can enjoy all the other people in your life, without feeling burn out and oh so very tired. This is why I feel a balance in every area of our lives is so important because ultimately we are practicing self-care.

A Nurse Practitioner I know, who is also a dear friend, has recently told me that at times it is “difficult to ‘carry’ things that patients share with me”. Being a retired hospice nurse I get this. I’ve been thinking about it and here’s what I want to share.

Years ago, when I first joined Al-Anon, a twelve step program, I had only been attending meetings for a couple of months and my co-dependency was off the charts! I remember after one particular meeting I was sharing with a woman who sat next to me that I was so confused about how to help my alcoholic spouse. The conversation went something like this:

Me: “I am so careful with what I say. Or what I don’t say. And I am really careful about what I do or don’t do so I don’t upset him. And…

Then a woman standing in front of me turns around and says to me, looking straight at me. “Girrrl! You really think you have a lot of power don’t you?”

I was shocked. Powerful was the last thing I felt. At that time in my life I thought my life was going crazy. I replied:

“But I’m responsible for how he feels, and if he’s happy or not. How else can I help him?”

The woman standing looked at the woman sitting next to me and they smiled at each other. Then the woman standing said:

“You keep coming back to these rooms. You will come to understand you cannot control how another person feels, thinks, or acts. And even more important it is not your responsibility and it never was. Everybody is their own person. You can’t ‘make’ anyone do or feel anything by what you say or do. We all choose how we respond to people and events.”

The woman sitting next to me grabbed my hand and vigorously nodded her head up and down, smiled at me, and said, “It’s true. Whether it’s someone in your family or not in your family. Keep coming back, honey. We help each other learn here.”

Now fast forward to my recent time in Spain where I carried a backpack to walk the El Camino. That backpack can represent a lot. I had to choose what I would put in that pack. The fact is I can only carry so much. I needed to be mindful of it’s contents too, otherwise I could run out of clean, dry socks, or not have extra shoes if needed. Very important when walking a long distance. I decided not to add more to the weight of my backpack because then I could become too tired to walk, and how fair is that to Alan who was walking with me? Our actions and decisions affect other people whether we are on a vacation, spending time with our families and friends, or putting in the hours our careers require.

When someone or several someones share with us the challenging or hard times in their lives, then I believe we should absolutely try to listen to them with a compassionate heart. Put that big ear ON! Be present to them, maybe even hold their hand and give it a squeeze. But then we need to let go of it. We have done our part. To pack it up and “carry” it around will only fatigue and drain us, and that helps no one. I have learned to trust Life, to send up a prayer, or burn a candle, or send out blessings with the smoke of a bonfire, and ask for the highest good for anyone who has touched my heart that day. This is where my true “power” lies.

Every day I make a conscious effort to pack up gratitude, joy, and an open mind in my “backpack”. Some days are easier than others. But I know this practice works for me.

Take what you need and leave the rest, Dear Reader. I will be writing again next week. Not sure what topic or feeling I will post. If you have a request, send it through the comments section. And I would love to hear how you are feeling! :O)

With Love, Joan