So! Feelings. And we all know there is the good, the bad, and the ugly. I decided to jump right in with a tough one. Anger.

When I was a little girl I was not allowed to express feelings of anger. Sound familiar to you? I’m sure it does. When I hit the rooms of Al-Anon I was 30 years young. Well, actually I first entered that twelve step program around the age of 28. But I only tried a couple of meetings, and did not come back for two years. I was just not miserable enough yet. The second time around I stayed, for 26 years. It took me almost a full year to realize that I was very angry. Angry with my parents, angry with my spouse, angry with the world, angry with life. I had been carrying anger around most of my life and I didn’t even know it. I would bet my bottom dollar you understand what I am talking about. Question: How can a person live healthy and happy when one has an anger chain wrapped around one’s body like a thick, dark vine? Answer: One can’t.

When I finally started to figure it out my main contention was this: I felt unprepared for life. I was lost in so many ways. Sure, I graduated from high school, then again from college. Started a family of my own and worked a full time job. But, in many ways I had no idea what I was doing and in my mind I felt like I carried around a bright, red, angry, neon sign that read: WHY DIDN’T SOMEBODY TELL ME? Like, how do you choose a spouse that is truly compatible with oneself? Or Joan, listen to me, this is a truth: You CANNOT CHANGE another person. And what do you mean there is not a guide book handed out immediately after having a baby? I am now responsible for these little people and I have to figure this out on my own? And one simply DOES NOT ask for help! The angrier I got, the bigger and brighter that neon sign grew. I could contain it no longer because that dark vine was getting tighter and tighter and causing me a lot of pain. Thankfully, with the Grace given to me by my Higher Power, I landed in rooms where people came and shared their stories, sins and all. And above all else, they REALLY wanted to hear what I had to say. Me. Who at that time in my life had no understanding that I had a voice. That I mattered. That I could choose to remain in a victim type of thinking and walk through life with all that anger, or I could decide to grow and change. I could choose to forgive my parents, my spouse, and myself, understanding that we were all doing the best we could with the tools we had.

It took a long time for me to understand that to talk about my anger with someone I trusted, and to learn to recognize feelings of anger as they swirled inside of me, was a good thing. I could learn to embrace this new kind of behavior in order to create a new life for myself. I also learned to become accountable for my anger. I was taught to focus on myself and what was going on with me. To “keep my side of the street clean” was a twelve step phase I began to practice daily. It took awhile. I had been coming from the storyline of a victim for a long time. I had to learn to communicate, to speak up, to own up for my part in any relationship I had going on in my life. That could mean, family, friends, co workers, and anyone I had some type of relationship with.

When I worked in Coronary Care at a hospital years ago, humor always helped us medical people deal with the intensity of care we had to give on some days. One day a doctor I knew came out of a female patient’s room and and leaned against the wall. He was laughing so hard I just had to ask him what was so funny.

“Oh, Joanie,” he replied. “I just asked our patient the standard question ‘Are you sexually active?’ and she just looked at me for a second and then said, ‘No, I just lie there’.”

Of course I began to laugh too and this set him off to laughing some more. But my point is that it is easy to claim it’s always the other person’s fault, and I am so angry because of what he or she did. But if you tell me Dear Reader that you are angry at another person and you did nothing wrong, you were only “lying there”, I would have to ask you to think again. It is so easy to play the victim as if one has no part in one’s anger. Perhaps there were unrealistic expectations. Or denial. We all know denial can be a fun place to be rather than really look at a situation. Maybe red flags were everywhere and I simply chose not to see them…again. And if I make a decision not to let go of my anger directed at another person for a long time, (and this is a good one) perhaps it’s because I do not want to hold myself accountable for my part of the story. It takes at least two people to tango.

I want to end with a quote from Thich Nhat Hanh, a beloved monk and teacher. It is from his book, ANGER.

“My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground on which I stand.”

Did I get you thinking? I hope so. :O) We are all a work in progress as they say. A peaceful heart truly is a happy heart. I am proof of that. And I wish you peace if you are dealing with some anger of your own at this time of your life. Talk about it with a trusted friend. It will help take the power out of it, help take the pain away. And always remember how beautiful you are.

Sending you Love, Joan

P.S. Next topic is how to deal with feelings related to compassion and empathy for others when they share their troubles.