“God damn it, Vicky.” I stared across the virtual zoom screen at my beloved Reverend Vicky after these words came out of my mouth. She is not only my minister but like a sister to me. And I knew I was in trouble then. Not because of the words I said but because speaking those words, even thinking those words, are so out of character for me. I knew Vicky was aware of that, too. Which meant we both knew I had to deal with some unpleasant feelings. About anger and my losses related to that anger. Yuck.
“Whoa,” she replied. “We need to talk about this.”
Yesterday morning we were meeting to prepare for a board meeting for our spiritual center later that day. Let me tell you, I was not feeling very spiritual. What I was feeling was a slow rage, very similar to the rage I felt almost two years ago after my lower teeth had been surgically removed. I remember writing in my Caring Bridge journal about the upcoming Super Bowl, that I should be signed up as a professional kicker for one of the teams, that I was filled with enough anger I could kick that ball right out of the stadium. Obviously my rage was building back up again, all related to my tongue cancer. I was angry at God. I was angry at my soul. Because I truly believe we all have ‘soul contracts’. But on this day I was telling my soul it had really f#!*ed up. I didn’t want to do this anymore. The human side of me was saying “enough!” And I was beginning to wonder if my stupid soul knew anything at all.
Two weeks ago I had my annual appointment with my dermatologist checking for any skin issues. The skin on my face did not pass inspection. Again. Same as last year, the radiation on my tongue and neck was still producing possible precancerous cells. Radiation must go SPLAT! All around my mouth and cheeks and left eye and the middle of my nose. I agreed for the ointment that I would place on my face each day for two weeks, killing off the old cells and allow my face to build up new ones. And on this day, much of my face was as red as Rudolph’s nose. That’s what I had been telling Vicky, the main point being it had been two years, and I was STILL dealing with the after effects of choosing radiation for treatment of my cancer.
The humanness in me wanted to know why? Why me? Why tongue cancer? Why did my mouth, tongue, teeth and lips have to be forever altered? Not only in how they looked but how they functioned? What was so wrong with the old Joan? Vicky and I talked about all this. She allowed me to vent my frustrations and my grief, and then quietly said, looking me straight in the eye, “You are still expecting the old Joan to return, and she is not coming back.” I knew it was what I needed to hear, that I would eventually truly accept those words of wisdom. But at this time all I could feel was the anger, so much anger I couldn’t contain it all on my own.
Vicky advised me to reach out to either my darling Man, Alan, or my brother Mark. To ask for help, that I needed that male energy to hold space for me, to stand in the gap, while I raged about my anger. Perhaps I needed to go out into Mother Nature and shout out to the heavens? So I called Alan, and explained, and with no hesitation he agreed to hold that space for me. I knew he understood. Then grabbing up my coat I stepped out the back door and deliberately walked down to the pond, because I wanted my angry words to echo with power across that water and out into the Universe. Because I planned to shout, as loud as my mouth that now had a tongue that was forever altered and lower dentures that could be such a challenge to keep in place was able to shout. Shouting “God damn it!” over and over until suddenly I heard myself say, “Tell my why! I DARE You to tell me why!”. Then I quickly shut my mouth. I became very quiet. Had I just challenged my Beloved Creator? Sent out a dare? And then I heard them.
Geese were flying towards me, out of the western sky, fifty to sixty of them softly cooing to me. Swirling around in circles on the currents way up high in the sky. Not rudely honking as they flew above me, but over and over, called out cooing sounds floating all around me, showering down upon me, calming me. I began to cry. And I knew that I did not understand, maybe I would never understand, the why. I cannot see the whole picture. And now, I begin to cry as I write this post. Because ever since 2014 when I began to dream that one day I would truly help so many children that are abused and do not feel loved, I chose the geese flying in the sky as my reminder to pray for those children. And I have, no matter where I am or what I am thinking about, when geese fly above me, I send out the prayers. So once again I stopped and prayed for the children.
I did not totally resolve my anger. Not yet. I took a two mile prayer walk with Reddogg. Then I came back home and listened to a song by Rag ‘N Bone Man, called ‘Human’. It’s deep and earthy and just what I needed to listen to. I highly recommend it to you, Dear Reader, because I know you too, have experienced deep anger in your life. I also advise you to reach out to someone who loves you, to stand in the gap with you as you deal with your own feelings. Yes, I am telling you, even though it can be hard, to ask for help. We all help each other. I had texted my cousin -in -law, Larry, that I didn’t want to blog about my anger, that it was way too personal. But he advised it would help me to journal about it, self healing he said, and sent me a hug through my phone. And he was right.
I called my dear friend Vi, one of my many friends who has traveled this cancer journey with me, and told her about my anger, about dealing with my face. Again. She immediately understood, and all she said at first was, “Shit.” It was exactly what I needed to hear. I cannot say it enough; we all help each other.
And oh! After I listened to that deep and earthy song ‘Human’ on YouTube, another song popped up. You know how technology is. Yet maybe it really wasn’t technology, because the song and video that came up next was ‘The Prayer’, sung in both Italian and English by Josh Groban and Celine Dion. I listened to it three times. It soothed my soul, my beloved soul.
I was planning on posting this later in the week, this Thursday. After all, today is New Year’s Eve, and aren’t we supposed to be all festive and positive as we bring in the New Year? But you know, celebrating our humanness seems to be a mindful thing to do in this upcoming year. And feeling our feelings is one of the reasons we are here on this journey of Life, and absolutely something to celebrate, otherwise we would simply be robots. I encourage you to join me in celebrating feelings, including some of the tough ones, like anger. And to remember, whatever this New Year brings us in 2025 we are never alone, we all help each other.
Sending you Peace and Joy for this New Year. Yes, maybe a little anger lingers on my words, but I know you understand, for you are human, too. I thank God for you.
c Love, Joan
Wow, Joan, I’m glad you could be vulnerable and share your true feelings of anger! Just like grief, your anger needs to be processed throughout unspecified time frame.
I truly don’t understand why you have to continue experiencing cancer. You are a very kind, thoughtful, loving positive woman. You are truly a spiritual inspiration! I will continue to pray for you. Sending you hugs.
Love, Susan
I love you & im always here for you ❤️
I love you too beautiful Lady! No worries, I will burn that phone line up if I need you. See you soon!
I love you & im always here for you ❤️
Sending you hugs right back beautiful Lady! And thank you!
Thank you beautiful Lady!
I truly have never dealt with the anger in me when my precious husband was taken to be with the Lord… I have never dealt with the infidelity from my first husband or my second husband…..you my sweet friend have given me courage to finally deal with the “why did I have to go through that.” I am grateful for your transparency and love for your fellow humans.
Thank you beautiful lady
Joan, this touched some deep parts of my soul. I reckon I needed to hear/read this today as much as you needed to say/write it. May God continue to bless you on your journey as you experience all the things that mean being human, and sharing your lovely view with us/ME. I treasure you. I was just saying to myself this morning on my short walk with my doggie that I want to do everything in power to get my body as strong as it can be so that, if an illness comes my way, it will take a LOT of punches to take me down – not just one. This goes for my faith, my soul strength, as well. I am practicing who I want to be. Please accept the giant heaps of LOVE coming atcha all the way from Texas!!!!
Awww! On a prayer walk with your pup! Lovely! Sending you bunches of love back beautiful Lady! You are strong, in so many ways!
You are my role model – my hero. Your inspiration goes beyond words!
Here’s a BIG HUG Kentucky Woman! Happy New Year from Texas! Love You!
Thanks for the hug. I love you, too sweet brother!
I appreciate you Joan, sharing your vulnerability and emotions with all of us. I’ve only been sick for a few days and it made me feel irritable and less than. Interesting how we can go down this tunnel of negativity so quickly.
I’m knowing that you are so much more than your emtions. Thank you for being such an inspiration to me.
Hi beautiful Lady! Thank you for your comment. You are a bright light in my life!
Thank you for such a deeply intimate sharing, Joan. I’m glad you didn’t wait until Thursday!
I am blessed today by both your writing, as well as the opportunity we shared VERY early this morning (4 a.m. our time!) when Vi and I met with you and other members of our spiritual community for the 2024 World Healing Meditation Service via Zoom. That service kindled within me the memory of Vi’s and my visit with you this past summer, awakening in The Treehouse and sharing early morning time with you. Reading your posting deepened that memory today. And most assuredly, my gratitude for your presence in our lives.
We truly are never alone. Celebrating our humanness in 2025…Yes!
Thank you George! You are a blessing in my life, both you and Vi. I remember our times here at Our Treehouse. Wonderful mornings with the prayer gong and Grandmother Tree. Can’t wait till we all gather again!
Hi Joan. I love your post; it comes at a special time for me. I recently went through some training that emphasized how anger and grief are a part of our most profound healing. It felt like an invitation for me. Most humans seem to fear these two, including me, thinking about what I will become from these two dark, enlightened spaces. But it doesn’t sound this way to you. I pray our Beloved Creator would warmly embrace you as you and I throw our fits, express our anger, and ask all our questions. We are known as we are known. Wrestling with God deepens us, although complex and tiring. I believe the weight of our souls can be wrapped in this type of care from above. Peace to you, my long-ago friend.
Hey Rob!! So good to hear from you. You bring back great times as co-workers with your commenting on my post. Thank you for your wise words, your honesty. I hope you comment often, it means a lot to me. :O)
Beautiful, beautiful blog, Joan. So healing for me as a member of a lineage uneasy about feelings… I could hear the geese lovingly cooing to your inner child – “The way out is through…” Thank you for lending us human nomads the example of your Authenticity, Grace and Courage for our own journeys. It feels so timely: I know many are praying for world peace in 2025. Your honesty on the eve of a new year has me reflecting on how just maybe getting comfortable with EVERY feeling prepares us to hold love for EVERY person and EVERY thing so peace can in fact dawn… I am forever grateful to know you, Joan Durbin! xo
Vi, your prose and your style of expressing yourself always soothes my soul. I need that some days, obviously. Thank you beautiful Lady! Hugs back to you.
My beautiful sister, Joan, I am in joy with you and with Spirit. Leaps and bounds of Good reflected here. This is all working its way through. As it does, you are simply increasingly gifted and a Gift. Thank you for pointing this post out to me. For some reason your post notices started going into my junk files. I’ve to it now, though. I Love You!!!
Rev. Vicky, sister Vicky, I couldn’t do it without you! I love you, too.
Dear sweet Joan, you may not realize it but sharing your anger and vulnerability actually was just what I needed to hear on this New Years Eve. Thank you. Although we haven’t seen each other in years, you need to know what an impact you have had on my life. Never doubt the peace that you have brought to me and many others just by being you! Don’t ever hesitate to share your emotions – all of them! You never know what impact you may have. You are so loved!
Hi beautiful Lady! Thank you. And yes, I will continue to share emotions here on my blog. Your comments are a blessing to me. Thank you again.
Reading your blog and these comments, it seems that more than a few of us are struggling with challenging emotions on this first day of a new year. Thank you for words that gave us all community today…the gift of knowing we’re not the only one.
You are wise beautiful Lady! Challenging emotions can ruffle our feathers. Thank God we have one another.
My dear Joan, I appreciate your honesty and allowing yourself to feel the real feelings. This is so important for your personal healing. Feel your feelings as long as you need to… When you are ready to move to a new mental space, you can step forward – but don’t rush yourself. It is so important to feel the anger, the pain, the frustration first. It is fine to be mad at God, to question why. God is not diminished by our anger or questions. Spirit knows our human conditions and continues to love us unconditionally. It is all a process and like life – feelings ebb and flow. Remember you are loved. I remember your advice to me – pray for others, it will help you! Love, Love, Love!
Oh what wisdom is here in your comment Rev. Rick. I needed the reassurance your words have given me. Throwing down the gauntlet as in shouting out a dare to my Beloved Source, well, it helps to be reminded it is all good. Yes, the geese reminded me the of the power to pray for others, and I will take your reminder too and act upon it!
I struggle with Anger as well….. but ALL of mine is Anger with SELF…. Stupid self made decisions….. but It’s ok….. even our dear Christ got angry…… so I feel validated in that emotion….. and I am always reminded by The Spirit…. It’s quite OK to get angry and then let it go like blowing the seeds off of a dandelion…. Until you find another one…. Then repeat. WE love you ❤️🦋
Thank you beautiful Lady! Our love for Dear Christ together, it brings me great comfort Butterfly Jann!
What a blessing the reading of your blog and the comments has been this morning. It is so real and speaks to me and my angry about my body and how it has and is changing. I know it is life and it sucks at times and I cry out in anger and frustration. and it is all Good. I am so grateful for all the things, you, that remind that it is true, it is all Good. We are all in this together and you are an incredible blessing.
Thanks for sharing your anger, Joan. You’ve helped me feel freer to admit and share some of my own anger. Some of us were raised to believe that we had no right to feel anger, and certainly no right to express it. One of the blessings of getting older is becoming more honest and less concerned about the judgments of others. Thanks, Sweet Cousin, for voicing this for so many of us who do not write it down.